For the sake of the baby
Sunday August 23, 2009
i feel acquainted with you through your writings and many of the beliefs which i share with you. i have read most of your books over the past two years, since i gave birth to my son. their content has dredged up a lot of difficult feelings and mental states within me, all seeming to compete against each other. the only hope i have is my love for my son and the bit of faith in myself that i have. i dont remember being “abused,” and many have had it a lot worse than i can imagine, though i have a deep sense of my spirit having been ignored and negated. my parents had extreme “love” drama all my life, and i am the oldest of four. i continually ignore and negate my own spirit and it has been coming to a peak for the past 5 or so years, since i was about nineteen. i come from a “loaded” background, according to a psychiatrist, meaning only that both paternal and maternal sides of my family have a lot of mental illness. i don’t think i am really organically or pathologically ill, but i have felt WRONG since the dawning of my adolescence. my lack of self-esteem and frustrated rage have dealt me years of cycling severe depression and intense irritability. drugs, legal or otherwise, have not lifted my fog. my father was a physician, narcissist and ritual narcotic abuser for the entirety of my life. his ended when i was fifteen. my mother suffered from neglect and abuse at the hands of her (adoptive) villainous mother and idealized father. my mother lives to this day in a state of extreme anxiety. i believe she suffers from post-traumatic stress (syndrome). i have symptoms of this as well, but they come and go. i am sorry for writing so much background. i am concerned now with how to stay alive and what next step i should take or consider. i have had a therapist recently who dismissed my sense of having been wronged in childhood. she also pushed me to admit my belief in a higher power, her christian god, though i am an atheist. she was pushy, but she was trying to be that “enlightened witness.” it did not work, because i did not trust her and i felt as though i was catering to her, adapting to her. i am used to being the interrogator or neutral-supportive party. now i have no friends because they cause me too much anxiety. i have stopped abusing benzodiazapines and narcotics, but my rage and terror are out of control. if it was not my rage and terror, it would be my depression. i want to be a good mother. i have seen myself doing things, unneccessarily ignoring my son like i’m some sort of robot. what step do i have to take, what truth do i have to digest, what do i have to do to reconcile myself, see myself as human? i am truly terrified and so sad. you are the only person whose ideas and actions i have faith in for me and my son’s future.
AM: Your rage has good reasons, try to understand them, then you would no longer suffer of depression but of what has been done to you in childhood. So you will come to know your history and learn to love yourself and your baby. THIS IS VERY IMPORTAT JUST NOW when your child is so small and so dependent on your emotional clarity. For that reason you should leave a therapist who are confusing you. Reading my book “Free From Lies” may help you to stay true to yourself and get rid from medication that obscures the truth about your childhood that you must know – for the sake of your baby.