why to suffer from “love”?

why to suffer from “love”?
Monday September 01, 2008

Dear Alice,

I read several of your books and I found them very interesting.
I’m writing you to have your opinion about my sentimental situation.
I have 36 years and I am in love with a man of 48 years who lives in my own
We have having a relationship for about two years and a half.
He was married twice. The marriages were brief and did not generate
I have not had many sentimental experiences. He represents for me the most
important relationship had to today. I was able to win and I am very in love.
We usually see about two times a week (usually on weekends), we spend our
holidays together and we phone every day. I know all his family and friends.
The relationship is very beautiful, natural, full of passion, intimacy and
love. We are similar and we have many interests in common. He helps me morally
and materially when I have problems.

I have been regretting the fact that we don’t see a lot, and he always says
that it is because of his job. Regarding marriage and a possible cohabitation I

have never insisted too much because his previous disappointments.
He says that seeing each other everyday is not good for the relationship, but
above all it is important to choose every day to see each other.
A couple of months ago I had the certainty of his infidelity, which I have
always suspected.
I was very disappointed, but I did not have the strength to stop the
relashionship because I love him. He was very sorry, he says he loves me and
he was closest to me in the last period.
I still manifest my desire to see him more often. When we are together we are
very good, but I find it difficult to withstand the distance. I am eager and I
think always of what happened.
Unfortunately, I became jealous and when external to him my anxieties he
denies to have parallel relations. I continue to think that he sees other women

and I think that we I cannot see him because of this besides his job that which

surely occupies him a lot.
I fear that I’m dealing with a “Casanova” and narcissistic
personality. He
seems to love me and he gives me a lot of attention. He, in general, says that
it’s in the nature of men not to be monogamy, it is a matter of DNA.
Lately we have discussions related to my anxieties and jealousies and I fear
that this could break the relationship that has always been clear, natural and
full of harmony.
On the other hand I suffer much to the lack of availability that is not total
as for me against him, but I do not have the courage to leave him because I
love him.
So I think that I have to focus my attention on me and maintain greater
independence, but lately it’s very difficult for me because I always think of

infidelity and I think that infidelity is a way of life for him. This takes
away my energy and I causes suffering, especially when we are not near.
I would like that he change, but I know how difficult it is to happen and
that “he” has to do it and I cannot. For this reason I say to him that I
try to
understand and appreciate his personality and I to love him without thinking to

possess, because I believe that this can be the solution.
In practice, however, I feel very insecure and suffer a lot.
I ask an opinion about my situation and how I can manage the situation, which
I can not stop for the sentiments that I try and not allow me to be totally
I would like to know if you can be a therapist for me or to have the name of
a therapist in Milan with the capacity to help me.
Thanking you in advance

1. It must be very painful for you to feel emotionally dependent and to “love” so much a man that abuses you. You are trying to manipulate yourself into forgiving him everything, like a little child that is trying to forgive her father who is lying to her, exploiting her and betraying her trust. A child cannot live without her beloved father, even when he abuses her, so she gives up on her true needs, tries to believe his lies, and hide her humiliation and anger. But now you are an adult woman and not a child, now you don’t have to forgive cruelties or to swallow your anger. You can look at the facts and not believe in the lies of people who have no respect for you, people who pretend to “love” you in order to exploit your innocence. You can walk away from people who hurt you, as painful as it may be, in order not to betray yourself and ruin your life.
2. Alice Miller does not give consultations since 1980, and does not keep a list of therapists. You can use the FAQ page (under “articles”) where it is explained how to find the right therapist.