writing you from Spain
Thursday July 03, 2008
Dear Mrs. Miller,
I wrote to you not too long ago, first of all, thanking you for the wonderful books you have written, for being so open, honest, frank and sincere about child abuse and for understanding the pain and suffering of those who have been through these terrible experiences.
I am one of those who were terribly abused. Of course, when I read the stories of other people in your web site, I think that my case was quite mild in comparison to theirs, but nevertheless, each and every one of us who has been under the control and manipulation of abusive parents, knows of one´s suffering, whether it is very little compared to others, or too much compared to others.
My name is Vida, and I don’t mind you publishing my name. I am 58 years old now and come originally from Iran, a country where a woman means nothing at all. I was brought up by an extremely abusive father in all the extent of the word: both physical and psychological. He has had all his life incestuous ideas with me and in order to control himself for raping me he would say things like: Vida, when are you going to die (this every time he would see me) or nobody is going to marry you or love you because you have horrible boobs (breasts). Even married he would tell me that he could not understand how my husband was not disgusted touching me, because he would feel disgusted to touch me. I could go on and on but these are just examples of the things he used to say to me, not to mention beating and insulting.
My mother, a completely neurotic depressive woman who hs also been abused by my father all her life, still defends him strongly and doesnt want to believe that he has tried to abuse of me sexually. She hates me ever since I was small and cannot tolerate my independent personality, my strength and courage to rebel against their abusive behaviour. She has always been extremely nasty to me and although she has never abused of me physically, she has done it perfectly with her tongue which sometimes I think is worse.
To be honest with you, not only I cannot forgive them for their behaviour in as much as they have also given me a good material life and money, but all I can think of is: I wish they were dead. This is the only thing I can think of when it comes to them.
I have done years and years of psychoterapy in order to overcome all the abuse I have gone through which has caused me to have “fibromyalgia” (extreme pain in my whole body) but I cannot get rid of the idea that the only thing I would like to see is that they are dead. For the past 3 years I have ignored them, not had any contact with them, and even though recently I had some contact with my mother, I feel disgusted when I see her and physically it makes me sick to be next to her.
Can you help me to see how I can overcome these terrible feelings I have of sadness, hatred, anger, rage and disgust to be near them, so much that the only thing I want is for them to be dead.
I hope you can publish my letter in your web site and I will look everyday for your response.
Thank you for your kind attention and once again my deepest gratitude for your wonderful books which have helped me so much.
Kind regards from Spain, Vida
AM: I think that you clearly see what you must see to liberate yourself from the terrible pain. But I hope that one day you will be able to feel your (justified) anger and rage without feeling guilty. The pain is the expression of your taking upon yourself the guilt that others should feel. Even if they refuse to feel it, you should know that it is them who deserve the pain and not you. You were an innocent victim, don’t forget that.