The right profession
Tuesday October 28, 2008

Dear alice miller

Since my teenage years till now as an adult, I have always disliked children.

Where people see adorable faces and innocent smiles in them, I see nothing but trouble and lack of discipline.

To me, their misbehavior is intolerable thought they are not to blame but their parents.

I spent 4 years in college to study to be an elementary teacher according to my parents wishes yet I have no desire in becoming one.

I consider teaching to be an important job and it requires a loving personality that I don’t possess.

A good teacher may ease the pain for students who suffer from any form of child mistreatment yet I have my own memories to deal with first.

After reading one of your books, I suspected my resentment toward children is actually a projection of my childhood memories.

The children remind me of how powerless I was then and how easily I sold myself out in order to gain my parents’ conditional love and affection.

I believed I cannot treat the young with fairness before I deal with my ghosts in the past.

Before I wonder why they couldn’t behave like we did 10years ago, now I see it wouldn’t be right to say so since I wouldn’t want anyone to suffer like I did.

The so called well- behaved children might just be the ones who suffered the most in the past.

I’m not seeing a therapist now and I haven’t been before.

For fear that I might just screwed up the job, I stay completely away from teaching and motherhood.

I believe this is the only way to stop the vicious cycle for me right now.

Maybe it’s a bit extreme to think like this but my sense of responsibility has overcome the desire to start a new family or a relationship a long time ago.

Endless effort
Endless endurance
Endless modesty
-Motto by Rain (Korean artist)
find out who is “RAIN”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rain_%28singer%29
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1955294/
visit my blog http://blog.yam.com/rainscoming

AM: Fortunately, you can feel what you need (and don’t need) and can take it seriously. You write: The so called well- behaved children might just be the ones who suffered the most in the past. Especially imaybe n the Chinese tradition where you come from. You will find with time what you REALLY want to do as profession, you will know it better than your parents.