terror and panic
Saturday January 05, 2008
I was lying in bed and couldnt sleep, I felt this terror and panic and had to get out of my bedroom. I went to my computer and looked on your site and read some of your letters, i read hatred and pain and i understand i feel so similar. i write like that too sometimes. that im not alone.
i want to write but am scared what to say. there is so much fear but im learning i feel it when i disconnect, that maybe inside there is a place where i am safe but there is so much anger in me anger at the people that hurt me. so angry that it was so bad when i was a child. it hurts so much that my mother hurt me so much, that on the surface she seemed like the doting mother but i was suffocated and starved and dragged around like a doll being silenced and then at home i was shouted at and screamed at and when i got ill then i would be fed full of things to make me better but really i know now it was to make me ill so she needed me to need her.
it hurts that my body couldnt take it anymore when i was a child, i couldnt cope and things seemed wrong with me and why why didnt you help me doctors? why was i seen by psychiatrists at age 7 and when i had a mental and physical breakdown at 12 why did you all tell me i never tried! it just hurts so much and im so angry at them that they wouldnt listen when i told them i was trying and they told me i wasnt and then they looked to my parents who played the perfect adoring parents and told them i was just an attention seeking child….how could you do that!! when then my mother would tell me my friend in the next bed was going to die. it was torture. why didnt you understand psychiatrist, i remember you looking to my parents and back at me and looking puzzled, you even said ‘there is something holding this child back from getting ill’ why couldnt you see that it was because i was scared to go home?
I realise now, and im crying. I think they are real tears because I was so scared to go home from the hospital that i spent a year in. My body gave up because I just couldnt be at home anymore, I just couldnt survive. and i lasted till last year and i understood and realised my truth and started to see things for how they really were for the first time. i cant believe i managed to maintain that illusion for so long. maybe that is why i was so ill. but my body was breaking physically at home and then my mind broke i went crazy. in a way it feels like my truth that then i was declared homeless because it doesnt feel like i really had a home.
that i dont think i really had a family. how can they be my familly if they hurt me so much that all the time i was going mad? and again i asked for help and people turned me away.
im crying so many tears now and maybe it will be ok. maybe i will find my path now that i can acknowledge my truth because i dont want to squash it away, i dont want to feel so unhappy anymore.
i do feel so unhappy but i just hope i can have the help to recover from this, that maybe there is hope for my mind to be ok. i hope so alice, so much. thankyou for your writing, it feels good to read it, very healing.
AM: Yes, you are right, the illusion made you ill. But now you seem to be very close to your truth, I am thus very hopeful that you will succeed in getting what you so much wanted: to know your true feelings and needs and to live your OWN life. It takes time of course, but your tears show that you are on your path.