I no longer play your game
Sunday April 27, 2008
Hey again Miss Miller,
I need to write to you for some support. My Dad passed away on Wednesday last. He Is gone. On March 27th, I told him the truth of what it was like to be in his company when I was a Little Fella. I let him have the truth right between the eyes. How he scared me with his Rage, how scared I was when he spoke out loudly to himself at 2 am when he was very drunk, ranting. How I witnessed him abusing my mother, how she used me as a human shield against his rage, how he never held my hand, never brought me to a park, never took any interest in me, how he dumped his rage all over our house night after night, decade after decade. I was loud on the phone, I was angry; I told him that I never wanted to be in his company again unless he apologized for his behavior. Now I will never see him again & that to be honest is ok with me. I stand by my bravery, my courage, my honesty, my rage against the toxic system I grew up in, the system that housed very very hurt little children. I rage from my very DNA at that system. He is gone & its ok cause guess what, he was never really here. My Mom is the chief enabler of my Alcoholic Father, she sold me short time after time after time. When I was 10 or 11 years of age she kissed me in a sexual way she made sure our kiss was sexual. It was disgusting, how dare she touch me in that way, She made me a surrogate husband cause her actual husband was in the bars drinking. She had an invisible toxic sexual connection with me, she covertly sexually abused me, she is still obsessed with me. Its irreverent, its wrong, its so so so wrong. I have had great difficulty disposing of, letting go of my sexual compulsion, its hard to let go of, but I will do it. For sure I will do it. On my bedside locker I stack all the great books I have read on top of each other. They are like a protection from the nasty system that I rage at. I was the Scapegoat, I carried their whole story, I was drug addicted at 11 years of age I was alcoholically drinking by 12, smoking by 13, sexually compulsive by 14, chronically co-dependent always, getting arrested by 16 – 17. How dare they. All my brothers and sisters rage at me at different levels, my system and culture says I need to go to the funeral, why? Why would I for what? The people that will be there are hurt children that dump their rage on me. I don’t wanna go. The funeral is Wednesday. I have felt compelled all my life to give in to this system, to do what the toxic family system wants, but that system stole my innocence, I was a great little Kid, I had a great smile, I was full of life, I just wanted to be ok and I was not. This stuff is so so hard. The books on my locker are “breaking down the wall of silence” “drama of the gifted child” “body never lies” ” for your own good “. The guilt for leaving the system is huge, the rage against the system is huge, and the freedom from the system will be huge. My Mom is sick in hospital, she is there about a month, my dad knew his waitress was not coming home, so he died, it doesn’t get any more selfish than this. I have the biggest biggest biggest compulsions in this whole wide world to take care of her feelings, but her feelings are not my responsibility. If you get any time, I would love you to even let me know you have read it.
AM: I did read your letter and felt very moved by it. Congratulations to your courage and honesty that speak through this whole letter, especially where you write:
“I have the biggest biggest biggest compulsions in this whole wide world to take care of her feelings, but her feelings are not my responsibility.”
EXACTLY. Only the former kid with his great smile is your responsibility, don’t abandon him, even if he can’t always smile and has to cry for a while. Ask him if HE needs to go to the funeral and if he says NO respect what he is saying.