nearly insane

nearly insane
Wednesday March 12, 2008

My experience of the last 12 months. This is what I’ve found. In therapy for years most of it ineffective. I doubted my current therapist of 5 years. It’s taken until recently to understand shes great. Early trust issues i didn’t understand prevented me from seeing this. In childhood i became the prisoner of developing illusions created for the sole purpose of survival resulting from a mostly loveless/abusive childhood. Basic survival was paramount…. and i fell far short of my true potential as an adult. A little over a yr ago my unconscious abruptly opened in a way i found difficult to comprehend much less find the emotional/mental agility i needed to grasp and understand it’s reality. I was overwhelmed and nearly suicidal at times. I felt nearly insane. My therapist not long ago told me “i felt like you were hanging on by a thread and i was the thread”. This is no exaggeration. What I discovered based on my experience is this. The first and most important illusion shattered was my illusion of being loved. This realization eventually almost entirely imploded a defense system unconsciously constructed in childhood. Very, very painfully. From my experiences i believe every child conceived is hardwired for survival. True love and its expression is the mechanism on the part of the parents/caregivers to ensure this. The infant WILL KNOW if this is forthcoming. Any disruption of infant needs being met, or cruelty, can spark and unimaginable existential terror of death in the childs mind and due to it’s helplessness the unconscious mind activates and tries to ensure survival as best it