letter to Alice Miller
Tuesday February 26, 2008
I am a 52 year old man from the north of Norway and I have red 3 of your books: “Thou shalt not aware”, “The upbringing was in the beginning” and “The fate of children”(The titles are translated to Norwegian). I am married and have 3 children, one (28) trading with art, one (26) educated as art performer and one (20) a student.
In the last 2 or 3 decennies I have been searching and investigating in my own childhood trying to find out why my parents have treated me like they have. I have one brother and our relationship has nearly always been complicated. I have been told from my mother since I was two years old that I exposed an aggression and an anger that scared them, because of this I have been looked upon like “the black sheep”. But she have never asked the question, why was I so angry? But so have I! In my further “investigation” when I accused my mother for her mistreatment in my childhood, she was not able to se it. But she revealed that my brother (he is two years younger than me) was very weak when he was born, so my mother embraced him with kisses and from no she could not longer se me. My brother became conform and dumb, and this confirmed my parents’ successfulness in the upbringing.
My theory is, in spite of the circumstances with an uncertain mother with much lack of empathy, I survived my child, because my parents were not able to choke my articulation of harm, aggression and grief.
I think I got the first book written by you for 12 years ago and this books I have mention In the heading of this letter have opened my eyes for the revealing history of mistreatment and the abuse of the child back to ancient centuries. The black pedagogic which will continue to blame the children and acquit the parent generation, unless the parents will be brave to take their own humiliation as children seriously.
For some weeks ago I was finished with the book “The upbringing was in the beginning”(for the second time) you mentioned a film of Hans-Jurgen Syberberg, Hitler- a film about Deutschland. I have purchased the film, now with the title “Our Hitler”, in spite of the fact that I was born in 1955, I could feel the very strong, emotional expression the film distributes about the taboo and the guilt of the German parent and grandparents generation.
I am educated as an agronom, karpenter and a mechanic, but 5 years ago I came to a turning point, a crossroad in my life, a wish of meaning inside me became so strong I couldn’t struggle against it, and I am no finishing education as a nurse.
In this connection I and a class-student are working with a main bachelor subject, the topic we have chosen is: “How could the intension of the good treatment, be developed to offended treatment”. In this subject we want to focus on unconscious mechanisms, black pedagogic, and the perpetual compulsion.
I am very grateful for being aware of this secret of the childhood humiliation, and in every deep conversation with friends and other students, I try to expose that its impossible to bring up a child to real love, neither with spanks nor well-meaning words. Vitality and freedom, not upbringing compulsion, leads to the source of real love ability. The history of war and brutality needs the message you have shown us. Thank you Alice Miller!
Thanksgiving from T. H. A.
AM: Thank you for writing to us. I wish you much strength to do the work you have chosen!