What should I do?
Tuesday August 12, 2008
As I said earlier i am so glad to find your site, to read your book… finally the veil i had in front of my eyes is gone.
I´m suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts for so long, never knowing why, spent so much time of my life idealizing my mother and feeling guilty, experiencing all as if it were my fault, because i´m inadecuate to live in this world, feeling i am wrong, a failure and so many other useless and hurtful thoughts.
I am now analizing what i read, because as an spanish speaker i don´t understand many words so i have a dictionary…
I feel that finally i got the right information, i read so many books of self help: tried positive affirmations, self hypnosis, tried so many medications, a lot of therapists, with medium results, good at the beggining, but then the problem is always still there.
Now im coping, feeling very sad and angry for NOT having the childhood i deserved, very disillusioned of my mom, how could she act in the selfish way she acted her entire life? always thinking of her first… working all the time and then instead of being home with me (after work)going to learn “oriental phylosophy”, “budism”, tai chi, kung fu, etc with the guy who abused me years later, travelling around the world to lear about spirituality, esoterism while i was home in charge of a nanny (fortunately a good and loving one), many evenings alone in my house after school (when the nanny left), even when she was diagnosed with cancer she left home, move to another country to be with the love of her life her last days, months of life, and i? with my uncle and step-dad (fortunately both very good and kind with me) but she always failed in exposing me to unnecessary danger, not protecting me, she didnt integrated me to the family, she hadn´t any empathy when i confessed the sexual abuse, first she cried but then she didn´t want to talk about it, she kicked me of our house because i wasn´t doig good at school, demanding without considering my feelings…
I talked with my dad, asking him about my childhood if she gave me beatings… he said “nothing extreme, some smacks in the bottom, dont think about that, the solution to your problem (depression) is being busy, when you start to think stupid things, go wash the cloth, sweep, pay attention to the baby, as i do” So i cant get many information from him, may be he´s hiding things from me ´cause he dont want me to remember and be in another depression, may be he´s just trying to minimize what happened because he dont want to feel guilty for not defending me, may be is his own defense mechanism… many questions, no answers.
Please what can i do? All these things i am telling are from my teenage years but the most important things that happened in my first years i don´t remember, my father don´t want to talk about, i don´t have another person to ask (i dont have brothers or sisters), how can i cope with things i don´t remember, may be going to regression therapy or something like that? do i have to left all that behind in the past and cope only with the thins i do remember?
I want to thank you very much, if you can answer me i would be very glad, if not i understand, i think you receive a lot of email and you don´t have enough time to answer all (i will continue
searching for the answer in the “reader´s email” section of your site, even if you never read this e mail is the first time i said this things in this way, i feel “light” just for the fact i wrote all this. If you want you can publish it, my story and my questions may be helpful for another person, just call me V.
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Norman: Both your parents betrayed you terribly. Your mother hit you as a baby, abandoned you, and cruelly refused to talk to you about the sexual abuse. Your father did not protect you and is now lying to you and trying to make you shut up with his stupid advice. You already have a lot of information. If you want to heal, you only have to take seriously the information you have about BOTH of your parents