A terrible memory
Monday June 15, 2009
Dear Ms Miller
I understand your work gradually. It dawns on me all of a sudden that “That is what Alice Miller means.”
My M’s face is so ugly. She masturbated in front of me when I was 5. She put me down on the floor and sneered at me while she was doing it. All I could think was ,”I want to die,I want to die.”
I don’t remember other times of overt sexual abuse but hundreds of more covert words and actions.
I am so tired from my life of carrying them around inside me.
I am seeing her face as more and more real and as I do, I am healing.
I hope I can. Sometimes, I feel I am too damaged, EM
AM: You write:”I am so tired from my life of carrying them around inside me.
I am seeing her face as more and more real and as I do, I am healing.” You WILL heal because you want to know the truth and were brave enough to recall this terrible memory. It is without any doubt an extremely painful memory but, as you say, it will help you to give up your illusion, to live with your reality and to love the child you once were.You will one day stop to “carry them arround”. In spite of your terrible mother you are not “too damaged”, quite the opposite is true. I congratulate you to your courage.