to open the door
Tuesday October 14, 2008
Dear Alice Miller,
By chance few weeks ago I have found your book “Drama of the Gifted Child”. I couldn t let it away from my hands! I finished it in one night.Ever since I have an uncontrolled feeling that this book is essential to me. And I want to thank you for it. Even though I don t know how to deal with it. I feel completely helpless.When I was 17 years old, for the first time(or at least this is how I remember) what I call “the blue mood” appeared . And it continues to exist with different intensities; and even when I feel “alive”, the mood still exists somewhere underneath latent , ready to attack anytime. This mood is unability to enjoy anything, emptiness, sadness,anxiety, fear, despair, unbearable loneliness, no energy, all the things you described and more. And the worst thing when it appears is the horrible feeling that there s no way out of it, that it won t stop ever.Since I read and reread your book, I began to ask my family about my first years. It seems that my parents don t remember much, as they were studying then so I was raised by a relative (father s aunt), spent almost all the first 6 years with her. and she died years ago. I don t remember anything, but anything at all from those years, my parents almost anything and the person that brought me up then died.I feel completely helpless. How will I ever trigger , release my memories, my feelings then?! As this might be the only cure for me, as my life doesn t work. I identified in the last years that I am not at all self sufficient and affection is the only key/meaning for me, but real connection with people doesn t work.Is there any solution, therapy or something to access one s own memories? It s possibly a blunt simple minded question, but I have no idea how else to put it?
AM: You write that you feel sadness,anxiety, fear, despair, unbearable loneliness. All this ARE feelings. So you are NOT empty. If you take theses feelings seriously and know that they have a reason to be with you your tragic story will emerge. Your feelings will open the door to it.