Friday July 28, 2006
Excuse me for my poor English, i am a Belgian man about 54 years old.
I write you for 2 reasons:
1. the first psychiater i saw when i was 37 (after severe psycho-somatic troubles) and told about my childhood said to me ‘never to writer a book about my life because nobody would believe me’ – now i have psycho-analysis.
2. my childhood could be considered as a blueprint for a poisonous education.
As to my education by my parents and other adults, i have to be short in this e-mail, all in a nutshell.
My mother was an orphan, probably abused by a priest at a very young age. She was raised by a rich but severe aunt and a nice but distant uncle, who died when i was 6. The aunt i never knew, she died when i was 1. Mother was deeply involved in a religious way she merely constructed herself. Later more of that.
My father was a shy but strong and spoiled boy. To proof himself he joined the Special Forces (Commandos) and specialised in interrogation technics. His only sister said that he became a total different person after his 2 year service in the Army.
Because i was a smart and nice babyboy my mother first thought that she gave birth to the new born Jesus, what she told me. But when i touched my genitals (age about 3-4) she said that Jesus did not do that, that i was a fraud and i had to admit it. She told my father ‘the evil has begun, you must beat the evil out of him’. So he did in a professional way: no marks on the body. After hours of beating and interrogations (about who told me to touch my genitals…) that were repeated day after day i became insensitive to pain. I told them i felt no pain any more and then they became very angry and started to destroy all things i liked and forbid contact with other people. Mother said a true believer is not attached to earthly matters… all was for my own good. At this stage i started to have hallucinations and the sensation of flying: the room became endless and my parent where like dwarfs. So in my head i could laugh with this little nasty people far away from me. It helped me a lot to endure. But at night it was as if i was really lost in space, it was frightening to feel no more floor or bed, to float…
My parents also believe children could not learn anything without pain. So even to learn how to play they had to beat (softly) me most likely in front of others to maximise the effect.
To prove to herself if i was the new Jesus or a fraud my mother even locked me in with a mad dog. He bit me and that was proof of my guilt. She said even a mad dog would recognised Jesus, and she told once she was with a mad dog herself as a young girl and the dog did not bite her because she was pure.
One day i refused to live on like that and i disobeyed orders. They said they could not bare the thought of raising a bad boy who would probably end as a new Hitler (it was forbidden to me to use the word ‘will’) and that they must kill me to save the world from the evil one if i did not give in. I did not and my father started to beat my to dead. Falling on the ground i left my body and even left planet earth in search of a better place, maybe heaven. But i found only emptiness, space and dead planets. Then a voice told me to give in and live my life hidden inside me. So i survived but i was thoroughly alone. I was 7 years old.
I survived, never had intimate or deep relations, never had sex (with girls…). This is only a spark of what they did to me. The shame is the worst thing i bare till now on.
Now i have therapy just to help me going on. As a child i told myself to go on living just to tell the world that parents should not do that to their children, it is not necessary. But the world does not like my history as you wrote it yourself so i stay silent. But i am happy to share it with you.
I call myself FozzyBear
AM: Your story is appalling. How have you survived all these cruelties and perversions? And why do you “want to stay silent”? Don’t you feel any need to rebel and to scream loudly about what has been done to you?