Saturday July 08, 2006
Dear Ms Miller, the other night I couldnt sleep, i found myself thinking about my past. when I was 7-8 years old I used to stay for a few weeks during the summer with some relatives. I think that they were Aunt/Uncle. they had a daughter ( in her mid-thirties at that time,also unmarried)
As i began to think my past it dawned on me how I was USED by this woman, not in a sexual way, but how she made me into her surrogate Husband/son. She had me be in bed with her ( maybe that is overtly sexual) she humiliated me when I accidently saw her naked, I remember she spanked me a few times once when i accidently wet myself. more than once I recall being in the backseat of her Boyfriends Car as they were kissing each other in the front seat.
It didnt register until the other night that i was USED, that word became like the final piece of a jigsaw puzzle. As I began to cry I found that something was happening to my physical body, the ends of my fingers began to throb, it was as if energy was being released.
I do so hope that this makes sense in relating this to you, it is very difficult trying to convey this experience.
The same night I remember expeiences at School esp with a certain teacher who humiliated me, through my tears I asked ” why did you hurt me?’ “was I so bad?” My experiences at School taught me to shut down, dont express yourself, keep quiet so that no one will see you.
My relp to my parents was also in the catergory of being used, my mother was partially deaf blind so as a child I had to help her,this leaves me with guilt feelings being an only child there was no-one els around, mom couldnt really love me properly,dont remember any hugs, nor from Dad.
Somtimes Ive wondered if I could go back to my past & visit myself as a 6-7 year old what would i say & do the past seems very painful now ( also my mother died when I was 13 my father died when I was 17). I couldnt think of anyone else to relay this too, through your books/Life you have been on a journey too, so as one inner child to another thank you for your care, honesty
The very best of regards, R
AM: Thank you for your letter. It is indeed very painful to realize how lonely you were as a child. But as you will see: the more you remember, the more you rebel against all these humiliations and the cruel lack of love, the less you will feel alone. Because you start to become your knowing witness, a person who never before existed in your life.