hatred and pain

hatred and pain
Saturday December 29, 2007

I talked to my mother this evening and I knew in some deep core gut part of me that she never took care of me and never took my feelings into account . It was all about her
and it felt so lonely for me to realize that I never had a mother- she never really cared somehow. and it feels horrible and true to admit it and I FEEL that it would be easier if she DIED- and at times I feel murderous toward my parents- vascillation with suicidal ideation and this horrendous realization that they will never change and it makes me feel so lonely.
it is pure horror to realize all of this.
It is so painful but it felt so good to cry and the phone is still sitting on the computer table near where I am typing and every time I look at it I want to throw it against the wall with hatred because
she doesn’t care.
and she lies.
and her whole life has been about me
but it was never me it was her.

and it makes me want to puke
for a very very very long time

i love you alice miller for making it possible for me to realize
that i don’t have to love my mother
and that I don’t have to be like her
because she has never really helped me
she never even said sorry that i was raped
she never said sorry that i didn’t have space
or that she read my journal
my first journal
it is no wonder that i was raped
since i was so used to being invaded by her.
and my father
to my father i was a burden

and how awful horrible
and terrible

and i have had therapists who idealize my parents more than i even try

i hate
i hate

but i am learning
to respect those feelings
because maybe i don’t have to hate myself forever.

and to feel liek i have to take care of others forever
at my expense.
at my expense.

and my sister punishes me just like my mother
for doing what i feel is in my best interest
i get the silent treatment

and it hurts
and i think
that it might have always been like that
even when i was little

and maybe that is how i always learn to be so aware of everyone
and numb.

it is all confusing painful
and terrible

and i don’t even know where to go and what to do
except art and crying.

i feel like after crying i can at least breathe again.

i feel as though i have said enough
i feel so scared all of the time today
and there is no reason logical for me to be afraid

it is like i am a little baby all cooped up
by myself

and everything feels a bit scary.

perhaps the dreams and sleep well help.
mornings are better-
after i cry at night.

thank you from some dark deep gut part of me that doesn’t like it when i need power over others
and prestige and money
because NONE of them are real.
none of them
and i know that

but it hurts to know that.

AM: Thank you so much for your heartbreaking letter. You are right when you say that mornings are better after you cry at night and that you learn to respect and understand your feelings so that you will no longer hate yourself. You don’t deserve to be hated; once you can fully hate the people who made you suffer so much, the pain will go away and you will breathe freely and you will feel FREE.