Monday November 03, 2008
Dear Mrs. Miller,
Am writing you again from Spain. Surely you will remember me.
It´s 2.00 a.m. in the morning and I cannot sleep due to pain in my whole body specially in my legs. I have just finished reading for the 4th time your most wonderful book “the body never lies”. And most of the examples of people you put in this book are part of my story as you know.
I tried once more to have contact with my parents as per my mother´s request, but with no success. My father, not having seen me for 3 years, the first thing he said to me was: you have small breasts and I like big breasts. I guess that even though he is 82, his incestous ideas with me will not die until he physically dies. My mother not only does not understand one word of what I say – as you mentioned to me – but now, thanks to my “shit of psychiatrist” sister, thinks – because she has convinced her – that I have paranoias and need to go to a psychiatrist and take pills. They can`t bear the truth, therefore, I am the sick one.
Mrs. Miller, I have been through many years of psychoterapy. I have accepted – or at least I think I have – that there is no solution to my problem with my family. That they are mentally, psychologically and emotionally very very sick and toxic people whose presence contaminates me in ways you cannot imagine. Just the sound of my mother`s voice makes me sick, it´s like if I swallow poison, imagine having to see her.
I accept all the anger, rage, hatred and resentment I have against them for having abused of me for 58 years and am aware of my anger with myself for having put up with it. I conciously and deliberately and loudly express to the Universe/God or whatever you want to call it that the ONLY thing I want, wish, desire, expect and intend to see is that both my parents and my brother (another psychopath and mentally sick like them) DIE. It is my only permanent wish: to see them DEAD.
I am not hiding this wish from myself. I am not hiding it to anybody. I say it loudly and clearly to those who are very close to me.
But – and here is my question to you – why my body pain (I suffer from what is called fibromyalgia) does not vanish, dissappear, improve, become less painful ? Why is my body in such a constant pain ALL the time ? Specially my legs. I have been under many exams and tests, NOTHING is specifically wrong with my body. I am in general a very healthy person and yet this constant pain in my body that does not dissapear with any treatments.
I am aware that most of it is psychosomatic, but how do I get rid of painful memories ? How do I recycle my cells so that the horrible memories they have are deleted and maybe and hopefully my pain becomes better or vanishes ?
I realise now after a very painful time that there is no solution with my parents. That they will not change. That they are so deeply sick that only death will solve this problem. That they will NEVER accept me, love me or respect me. That my mother hates me so deeply and profoundly that she is not even aware of it. Just as you explain in your book with several of your patients.
I am aware of all that, in as much as it is so painful for me to realise that I have such parents and that I will NEVER receive from them any kind of respect, love, understanding and support.
And yet, being aware of all the above: my hatred towards them, so much that I cannot forgive them as people suggest me and you do understand this. The more I forgave the worse they behaved with me, so why should I forgive ? I dont feel bad at all by not forgiving. And I am learning not to feel to bad knowing that I will never be loved.
And yet, in spite of all this, I do have so much pain in my whole body that it is killing me slowly. I am really sick and tired of this pain and dont know what to do to calm it.
Can you suggest something I am not aware of that might help me improve my physical and emotional situation ?
Is it bad for me to wish them to be dead ? Does this wish make my pain worse ?
Thank you so much for your kind attention. I do appreciate your taking time to answer me.
Kind regards from Spain and with deepest gratitude to you. V
AM: The Death of your Parernts will probably not change anything but the “Death” of your expectations WILL. I know that it is very hard to give up the wish to be loved and understood by the own parents but nobody can do it for you, nor can I. It is only you who can help you by liberate yourself from this strong wish. If you succeed in doing this your pain may go. But your letter shows that you are still waiting for your parents to change and you suffer terribly (in your body) .They don’t.. But even if they changed it would not help your body to heal because its pain reminds you of the sufferings in your CHILDHOOD, which you probably still refuse to feel and recognize.