Psychosomatic Symptoms and Working Through the Pain, #2
Tuesday July 17, 2007
Thanks for your response. I was “spanked” at a very early age. I vaguely remember one incident, but my brother says he remembers seeing this. I do not remember my early years at all.
However, my father traumatized me much more mentally than physically. He always had to be in total control and never allowed for us to show negative emotion. I remember one time I cried and he told me girls cry and to stop being a baby. He is emotionally blind, and the idea of standing up to him verbally was non-existent. He always says that I was such a good child who never cried and this is because he would never allow it. He thought he was perfect and he wanted perfect emotionless children.
He is a Karate Master of strict discipline and rigidity. He would say things as, “if you smoke a cigarette, I will break your legs,” or “if you get caught with drugs I will break every bone in your body.” I lived in such fear of the man, that when he would come home, I would immediately go to my room to escape the tension. And if I ever upset him, he would yell at me, and then leave the house and not talk to me for days or even weeks.
I never knew how to cry but was such an emotional wreck deep inside. Yet, I showed the whole world how happy and successful I was… In high school, I started to have intense irritable bowel problems surrounding testing and social anxiety, and often had to use the bathroom 6-10 times a day and was so scared people would find out about my problem. My father did not know how to deal with this, said it would get better with time, and my mother, who was also dominated by my father, could never give me support, but rather required the very love my father should have been giving her.
Two Easter’s ago, my father finally moved out of the house, leaving my mom alone after 32 years of marriage. I was living in Denver and my pain got so bad I had to move home to be with my mother. It is so hard to see her where she is at, she too was never able to stand up for herself and that is where I learned to have no self-respect and the inability to speak up for myself. My father treated my mother with total indifference and it killed me inside… I rationalized for years that it was okay, and it was never spoken about. Once he left, it was like Pandora’s box was opened.
Alice, I feel as though I have this mechanism that tries to hold in all my emotions… hence like when I would try to hold my bowels in during tests and not show the world what I was really feeling. My father told me yesterday that he is seeing another woman, and I just could not get angry with him. It is like I cannot get angry because I am afraid I am going to hurt someone, It is like I cannot express how I really feel because I will either hurt someone or no one will understand. I feel so alienated… I feel so misunderstood.
Sometimes I blame myself for all the pain. From drinking excessively in HS and College to numb myself, to falling off my snowboard on my neck a few times, to getting shots in my back to try and help it, I feel as though I have done so much wrong… but this I think is just the pattern… I mean I did abuse myself with alcohol and there were times when I was drunk that I hit wood blocks over my knees as a joke to break them… and did fall off a bike and broke my wrist when I was drunk…but I think my mind focuses on these things so that I do not
look at my relationship with my father and my family history. I do not know. I am a perfectionist and a goodist, who in the past tried to be perfect and make everyone happy and never once show a weakness. My father taught me this.
I have been so angry lately, and my pain has been sooo bad that I blame it on the pain and fatigue. But deep down I know there is this anger at my father for how he treated my mother, my brother and I, and how I never stood up for myself and never took my desires and wants, and feelings first.
I also am extremely self-critical and often repressed my sexuality because I never thought I was good enough for the girls who wanted to be with me… I have much anger towards myself for destroying all potential relationships and never allowing myself to explore my sexuality. my father and my mother did not allow for my true-self to flower, and this I was left with a feeling of nothing inside. I am 24 years old, college graduate with many successes in life, but right now I feel as though my life is on the line.
I do not know. I do not remember much of my early childhood. My therapist says I should stop looking outside for the answers, to homeopathy, to nutri-energetics, to Gurus for the answer, because that is continuing the pattern of subjugating myself to someone else, like my father. Do you agree? I do not know. I just don’t understand why my pain has become so much worse, and the more and more I uncover, the worse it gets….
I can cry now. I never cried my whole life. I cry a lot now. I cry when I look at my mother. I cry when I look at the state I am in. I cry when I feel how badly I have treated myself and how badly my father treated our family… he could never love us, we were his possessions.
But I cannot get angry at him? I cannot feel the rage? Why not? I do not understand this? Why do I feel so weak and impotent?
I appreciate any commentary or insight. Your work inspires me to move on, and let me tell you, these last three years have been total hell, and I wonder why I keep going, but I only have faith that the Truth will set me free.
With all Love and Respect, M.
AM: Now you described everything you need to know in order to liberate yourself from ALL your physical pain. The problem is that YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW all this, and for THAT reason you make your body suffer. It is understandable that having had a father like yours, the fear of being killed if you showed rage must be enormous. So you have kept your rage in your body for 24 years, and it is no wonder that this rage produces terrible physical pain. You have no choice other than to FEEL this fear and the rage in order to liberate your body from this poison. Today, your father can’t do anything else to you unless you allow him to kill you. It is high time that you understand this. NOW you are no longer in danger, you are free to hate him for what he has done, and you have no other choice but to feel your RAGE so you can save your life. Your therapist seems to understand this, but he must be able to hold your body when you are screaming at your father and telling him that he almost killed you when you were a small child and that this is a crime. Repeat it MANY times, in the arms of your therapist, and you will see that you will eventually feel your tremendous rage. SCREAM OUT YOUR JUSTIFIED RAGE and THE PAIN OF YOUR WOUNDED SOUL and the pain of your body will leave you. Don’t take ANY drugs or medication.