Love doesn’t hurt
Sunday May 03, 2009

Dear Alice Miller

The last three years I have done a lot of healing, and there is still a lot to do. I would like to share with you my thoughts about my healing.

For me it has been a long process, no one could prepare me. No one can do it for you. I guess I have done all the mistakes you can do. Sometimes one step forward, ten steps back.

My journey started when I met a friend. He was constantly talking about your books. He knew my situation. I got curiously, and read your book. It was dangerous, because when I begin on something, I finished what I have started, and do it whatever it takes. My knowledge about child abuse was all intellectual to begin with. I read one book after another on the subject. I started out being so angry with my parents. I could not talk kind to them. I was living together with my parents at the moment. I told how much I hated them. I came nowhere. It was a mistake to tell them my feelings, because it was mixed with the hope, that they would maybe understand. They could not understand, and finally I gave up. I moved, which is the best thing I have done for myself. You can’t live together with someone, who constantly suppresses you. I couldn’t. And it is impossible to do healing work in a hostile atmosphere. I had to get away. But it was not only happiness, when I had moved. I missed my family, running home as often I could. I could not bear the loneliness in my apartment to start with. And my parents had helped my a lot when I moved. I felt, they were the only people I had in my loneliness. Now it was time for me to understand everything with me feelings, and moving gave me the safety I needed. In my apartment, away from my parents, I was safe. My mother has always made decisions on my behalf. Alone in my apartment, I started from scratched. What do I want for dinner? When should I go to sleep? It is hard to find out: What do I want? I had to forget every intellectual thing I knew. Why do I have this feeling right now? Intellectual I could easily track everything back to my childhood, but it is hard doing it with your feelings. My body started acting weird. I find myself shaken, sitting in the dark crying for hours. I didn’t understand why this was my response. I got a pattern. Going being depress several days, break down one day, feeling wonderful next day – laughing, having fun, – getting depress again without no obviously reason, and it started over again. In these moments it was important for me, not to analyse everything. Accepting my feelings, seeing myself as a whole person, telling myself over and over again – “your feelings is okay. It is okay being angry, evil, impossibly, not perfect. It is okay to want love – this is also a part of who you are”. It gets worse, when I reject one feeling. Take your feeling seriously, and take your need seriously. Ask, ask, and ask your feeling again. Why does it make me angry, why was no one seeing me? Why I am depressed, when I was happy yesterday? They will give you the answer, if you have the courage to take yourself seriously. I still miss the courage sometimes, because it is hard, and you have to be honest to yourself on a level you have never tried before. You put down all your defence mechanisms. And surprisingly, I was always led back to my childhood. What you say is true – My feelings has confirmed many of your statements bit by bit. This is what I have found out. And with no efforts, I begin taken seriously my needs. Tasting the fresh air for the first time, I suddenly got suffocated when I visited my parents in the polluted atmosphere. I wanted to go home to myself fast. I had never had this feeling before. I could see no love. My father touched me so it hurt – I had got used to it. I have always been told, it didn’t hurt, when I protested, and your father is just fond of you. This is not love. Love doesn’t hurt, love takes ones feelings seriously.

Is this also what you have experienced??

Best wishes to you, R

AM: You are right, “noone can do it for you”. But you did it, and you discribe your discoveries in a clear, wonderful way. You write:” Love doesn’t hurt, love takes ones feelings seriously.” and you are asking me: “Is this also what you have experienced?” My answer is: “Yes, of course, I so discovered the lies”.