Ful determination

Ful determination
Tuesday April 14, 2009

Dear Alice Miller,
I barely know where to start. I am 62 years old and struggled for years with depression, suicide attempts and a million and one other problems. I always knew I was a survivor of childhood abuse; physically, emotionally and sexually. I also saw many therapists over the years as well as spent time in psychiatric hospitals. I felt at times that I worked so hard in trying to heal and yet I basically got no where. All the therapy I had was cognitive therapy which basically was a huge waste of time and some of my therapy was also abusive.
I kept looking for a good therapist, but all I knew was that I wanted to get in touch with my feelings though I had absolutely no idea how to do this or even why I knew that I needed to do this. I kept trying to find what I knew I needed but to no avail. I was fortunate in having this absolutely wonderful family doctor who I knew cared and listened to me and I so wished she were my therapist. I was seeing a social worker at the same time who worked in the same health clinic as this family doctor. This family doctor had to take some time off to be with her father who was dying. During this time she almost died due to a brain aneurism. The social worker I was seeing (for therapy) became pregnant and was leaving for maternity leave. This family doctor was just returning back to work after recovering and approached the social worker to ask her to ask me if I wanted she would see me for therapy while the social worker was away on maternity leave. She (this family doctor) had been doing therapy at a local drug clinic and also at our local hospital as well as practicing family medicine. She had decided after being ill that she no longer wanted to practice family medicine but would continue to practice therapy only. I jumped at the chance to see her as I had felt this total connection to her. Just a short time ago she told me about your book The Drama of the Gifted Child. I am blind and she didn’t know how she could get it for me in alternative format. She was not aware that there is software that allows me to read printed materials via my computer with the use of a scanner. (I put the book into a scanner and my computer with the help of a software program reads the pages to me.) I also have another software program that allows me access to the internet and of course email as it reads everything on the screen to me. I took this book out of my local public library and read it. It so totally changed my life and so I also read every other book that I could find at the library that you had written. I cannot say thank you often enough to you and I can never, ever tell you how much your words have changed my life. The therapist I have is an “enlightened witness”. I also joined normans-ourchildhood-forum@googlegroups.com. This has had a huge impact upon my life. Once I began to get in touch with my feelings I realized that I cannot stop feeling. While the journey has just begun, I have felt feelings I have never experienced in my life, had memories and have felt rage, anger, grief, pain, and even joy like I have never experienced before. I have felt terror and cried like never before and I finally feel that there is hope when I have spent 62 years of thinking and believing that hope did not exist. I know I have yet to do a lot of work, but I am so grateful to you and no words could ever express the thanks that I feel. I will no longer just live my life because I know now that it is in feeling that one begins to live fully and consciously. No matter how hard or difficult this journey may be it is worth every ounce of my energy and I will not ever stop. I keep telling everyone I know about your ideas and books and I feel as if I wish that I could shout it from the roof tops. I know that some people will never face their own childhood pain and or understand what “poisonous pedagogy” means and it both saddens and angers me at the same time.
I lost my eyesight late in life as a result of a motor vehicle accident (head injury that caused damage to my optic nerve which completely atrophied). It was a difficult adjustment, but I no longer feel blind in so many ways since reading your books. I survived this accident and as I mentioned several suicide attempts (some of which left permanent physical disabilities) and still I am so very happy and fortunate because I now have had the chance to read your books and travel this journey even though it is late in my life. (The motor vehicle accident was not my fault in any way what so ever; a bus went through a stop sign and ran into the car I was in and I am fortunate to have even survived).
I can heal now emotionally and I can now feel and life is worth living. Your books have been a life saver for me. I also got the courage in December to ask my therapist if I could continue seeing her once the social worker returns back from maternity leave and she has told me I can see her for as long as I need; in fact she said if it took years she would see me and be here for as long as I need her to be. She brought me to you by recommending your book and for this I am extremely thankful as well.
Thank you so very much from the core of my soul. The child within is finally being allowed to live and I will care for her and together we will feel every feeling. I may have lost my childhood but I can reclaim my soul and FEEL and live as never before!
Sincerely, K.S.

AM: Your determination to find your tuth and to understand the dynamic of violence that so many people can’t grasp, in spite of your tragic lost of your eye-sight, is indeed wonderful. I am glad that you can benefit so much from your exchange on the forum, from your reliable therapist, and from books that you can read in your way.
I no longer recommend primal therapies for reasons that I explained already in many of my publications.