What I feel without anti-depressants
Sunday January 22, 2006
I am responding to your answer, which you kindly gave me. I want to report to you a positive development of my condition, which came about after reading your book (The Body Never Lies). The book had a most enlightening impact upon me. Beyond that, my therapist is undoubtedly a person whom you call an “enlightened witness.” I cannot thank both of you enough.
Actually, I have ended taking antidepressants about two weeks ago. The result?
I experience feelings again. That is impressive. The first nights were difficult. I had, of course, enormous problems falling asleep because of an uncontrollable itching. I had nightmares during which my head fell over backwards. I woke up screaming and sweating. This sensation (that my head falls backwards) my therapist compared to the experience of a baby whose head is not being supported, which can cause a profound fear. This image seemed very clear to me and it also revived memories of the child, where this sensation happened and terribly scared me. In short, these first days without medication were not easy to overcome. And that tells little.
These difficult nights seem to have passed. At the same time, I experience positive feelings of a much more intensive kind than in the past. I sense an extraordinary thirst for life. I feel like fulfilling all sorts of things that rejoice my heart (music, dance, drawing, cooking, to go out), activities, which I had completely given up since a long time. And I laugh from the bottom of my heart. I have the impression that I am on my way that everything will work itself out, step by step. I am aware that I am still very fragile and that the slightest change can destabilize me, but I find within myself the strength to withstand the anxiety, and, miraculously, the situations of stress seem to recover naturally.
Thanks to the work of my therapist and to your book, I have finally opened my eyes. I am not simply convinced by the truth of your words; I confirm everything, which you say in “The Body Never Lies.” From now on, I will observe much more the messages of my body. I finally begin to get to know myself. To recapitulate it: I know that I am on the right path, that there is much more work to do—although I am now able to answer many of my existential questions.
AM: I thank you for your most important letter and I congratulate you to have the courage and wisdom to give up the medication and to see what suffering is hidden behind this poison so sought out and appreciated by many people.